Dreaming

I woke up with tear stained cheeks. I hate when that happens. That's when you know something truly hurts you down to your core- you wake up to find you were crying in your sleep. It's happened time and time again, but always because of the same few subjects; like I said, there are only a few things that reach that deep.

Last night's drama starred him again. The only man I've loved so far. It's funny to say that because I've told other boyfriend's that I had loved them and at the time, I had meant it. You only realize that you didn't love someone when you actually do love someone. Hindsight is 20/20. Last night hurt and not in the conventional way. It wasn't a dream about us fighting or the retelling of our break up, or him with someone else-no, it was worse. It was us. Together. Happy. We were laughing and talking and he had his arm draped over my shoulder while were laying in his bed. Then he asked me to marry him; with those bright blue eyes looking into my far less impressive green. and of course I'd said "yes" because that was all I had ever wanted in the first place; that was what I had dreamed of for the entirety of 4 1/2 years; that was the question I'd pleaded to God to hear before every Christmas, birthday, and anniversary. That was the question that I knew I would never hear from him. Willingly at least. I figured eventually he would ask but not because he wanted to, it was just what was expected of him. I don't think he would have ever loved me that way. That's not to say he didn't love me at all, he just loved me the only way he knew how to love me and our ways of love never matched up. It's like two pieces in the same puzzle; looking at the big picture, they're beautiful in their nearness, but they don't fit together and they never will.

You know how weird dreams are: one minute you're lying in a bed and the next you're standing at an altar. We made the leap and we were so... happy. He was mine and I was his. It was all I had ever wanted. The details are obscure to me now, but I do remember feeling like everything was as it should be. I remember us looking at each other across the room and smiling- like we were sharing a secret. The secret was, "I think the world of you." That's probably when I started to cry.

It's been over a year since I said goodbye to him and I can't get over him. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. The pain and heartbreak sneaks up on me at the most peculiar times and overwhelms me for days. I can't start over with someone new because I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how to end his chapter. I feel like it's still with a question mark, even though I know it should be a period. I am fully aware that I will move on and find someone whose love makes me realize that I didn't love him. But for now, this is me- long before you came.